


A Heart That Offends

by hocuspolkas



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol, BPD junkrat, Cigarette Smoking, College AU, Discussion of Past Abuse, Fat-shaming, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Harm, Tinder, it's tinder it's burning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-07-28 10:52:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7637308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hocuspolkas/pseuds/hocuspolkas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He spent his time alone, preferred to be alone, but felt a desperate ache as well. Was this what he wanted? Forever?</p><p>Mako gives Tinder a whirl and immediately regrets everything.</p><p>First two chapters originally posted on Tumblr, will be updating exclusively on ao3 from now on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Such a Waste

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading! this is my first fanfiction in years but i'm having a lot of fun with it. i love these boys!
> 
> the rating will likely go up in the future but don't anticipate anything too explicit.

Mako flinched as his phone pinged. He deliberately ignored the phone’s bright screen as he typed out the rest of his thought, proving to himself that he cared more about the midterm essay than the little flame icon in his peripheral. 

No more than a few hours ago the man had installed the app. He’d seen folks using it, watching over their shoulders in lecture halls as they swiped left or right, often rapidly, sometimes showing nearby friends particularly good- or funny-looking candidates. It wasn’t until he’d overheard a man in his class describe meeting a boyfriend over Tinder that Mako had felt curiosity start to nibble at his thumbs. But when he’d see people tittering over profile pictures or complain about being barraged by requests for hookups, he knew that the app wasn’t really made for people like him. 

He was hard to look at--he knew, because he could hardly hold his own gaze in a mirror. His emotional guardedness had grown hand-in-hand with his physical, and he knew a lot of people found his fatness repulsive. They had let him know, repeatedly. The last time anyone had taken a photo of him was high school graduation, probably. And he had virtually no experience with relationships. His 9th grade girlfriend with whom he’d chastely kissed and only had gawky double-dates with, an awkward closeness with a boy a few grades up whose intimacy never showed itself outside of text messages. Mako cringed, humiliated by the memories and his own inexperience despite his age. It seemed like most people had had at least one steady relationship and some sexual experience by 22. Even his late blooming, the delayed realization he was gay felt like a small excuse when he saw the easy mingling of young queer people on campus. 

But he didn’t look like them and he didn’t have the slick and practiced social movement most people seemed to have. He spent his time alone, preferred to be alone, but felt a desperate ache as well. Was this what he wanted? Forever?

So needing a distraction from midterm tensions, or maybe being distracted enough to push past his own shame, he downloaded the app, and created a simple profile for himself. Ticking each box and typing each character felt like walking into waves, embarrassment shoving his chest and setting his heart off again and again. His neglected facebook profile supplied the app with a photo but little else, forcing Mako to fill in gaps he’d kept intentionally blank for years. Is he looking for men, women? He had to answer, didn’t he?

The first few men he scrolled through carefully, clumsily learning the mechanics of the app and studying their profiles thoroughly. Did people really flip through like flashcards, just looking at faces? The images of the young men looking adventurous and lean or grinning with red cups and posing with local drag queens were nice, but. His leg jiggled nervously and he slowly slid each candidate to the left. The app refused the gray area of his slow retreat and blasted a large red ‘X’ over the screen with each refusal. There was YES and NO, and Mako nervously sweated the lack of “maybe”s, which had kept him nice and safe thus far.

Another man was presented for his appraisal. Scrolling to read his profile, Mako’s eyes were drawn to uppercase text:  
NO FATS NO FEMS NO BLACKS

His vision lost focus for a moment, frustration and shame reworking themselves into his ribs, and he closed the app. This was why, he thought, he hated people after all. His loneliness and his hatred crushed him seemingly from both sides, leaving him in a silent tension that might drive him to punch through a wall if he could get himself to leave his chair. Blood rushing in his ears, he gazed instead at his laptop screen and reread the last few paragraphs he had written, hoping to ease himself back into his work. 

And he’d gotten on pretty well, too. Throwing himself into a project helped him ignore the anxiety of “putting himself out there,” aware that his profile was still visible, not quite ready to retreat into deletion. But not ready to talk to someone, either. Ping.

Tinder was rife with spambots and folks looking for indiscriminate hookups. And anyway, the notification was probably just the app nagging for him to fill in some part of his profile or try the swiping thing again. No one could be sending him messages, he was pretty sure, because he hadn’t “liked” anyone. They had to both swipe right to talk, right? So it wasn’t anything to get excited over, and he would finish this paragraph before he checked anything.

He dragged his eyes slowly to the phone screen and tapped at it to display the notification.

“Someone has super-liked you!” 

Mako’s heart blasted into full gear. As he processed the text--super like?-- his phone pinged again.

“Jamie has sent you a message!”

He quickly tapped his password in and clutched at the loading phone. The app’s main screen flipped over to an iMessage-looking speech bubble. He frowned as he read and reread the text.

“hey ive seen y around was excited accidental super like you. m kindof pissed want to meet up for drink im downtown bars”

He… what? Mako squinted at the profile picture. Who the fuck?


	2. If History Speaks

Mako glanced around nervously as he doodled daggers on the back of his notes. He’d perched himself in his usual nosebleed corner of the lecture hall, early as always and trying to pass the time before the rest of his classmates shuffled in and started the midterm exam. The test was of little concern to him--he easily absorbed the names and diagrams his biology textbook outlined, caring little for the subject but able to retain the information long enough to regurgitate it on an exam. But he couldn’t stop looking around. His movements felt jerky and inorganic, a clear contrast to his usual, calm stillness. 

Two nights prior he had deleted the dating app, almost immediately upon receiving Jamie’s message. He recognized the sender from the large biology hall--Jamie was always late, ambling in ten minutes after the lecture started, if he showed up at all. Tall, with a funny gait and a smirk, he would sit in the corner closest to the exit, impatient to quickly leave again the moment class was dismissed. His blonde hair was perpetually unruly and dubiously clean, driving home that the young man had probably tumbled out of bed minutes ago. His noisy tardiness irritated Mako, but the man never crossed his mind after those moments of annoyance. 

It hadn’t entirely clicked with Mako that real people would be able to see him on Tinder--he hadn’t recognized the few men he’d scrolled through. It all felt very far away on the little screen, almost too small for his hands to navigate. 

And Jamie had said he recognized him--had seen him around? Mako’s secure anonymity in the towering upper seats of the building crumbled. The lights behind his head felt too bright now, and the empty seats surrounding him felt like a shadow box. Who else could see him and know something so personal, feelings he’d squelched for years and, on a whim, exposed to the world?

How embarrassing.

He reassured himself, repeating what he’d been saying since that night. He was trashed. He could barely type. He doesn’t remember. And anyway, he was reading too much into a drunken invitation. The man had probably passed out and been carted home within the hour. It didn’t mean anything.

Students were filling the lower seats more quickly now, some panicked and quizzing each other or skimming the textbook chapters in preparation for the test. A glance at his phone showed class would begin in a couple of minutes. Mako returned his attention to his notes, giving them a final read and resisting the urge to watch for the lanky blonde.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Turning his exam in near the front of the lecture hall, Mako cast a last, quick glance around for Jamie and felt his stomach begin to settle as he realized that if the man had come at all, he wasn’t in the room anymore. 

He was wasting too much time worrying about this. No one else could possibly care this much about one Tinder message and he vowed to stop thinking about the app completely. If he wanted to meet someone, he’d do it the old-fashioned way. When he was ready. When he didn’t hate himself so fucking much.

Mako exited the building and, surprise, there was the hunched figure of Jamie, rubbing the fire out of a cigarette butt with his shoe and lighting another all at once. Jamie’s eyes reached up and casually met Mako’s, glancing down again at the flame he cupped in his right hand and then tearing back up and dragging his head with them. 

Mako attempted to ignore the exaggerated motions of surprise the smaller man made and tread onward, nearly passing him altogether when the lanky blonde cried out.

“Mate! Hey, hey, fuckin’ sorry about that mess of a message. I’m full of shit, hey. Started the test without me and I had to miss it too, waited here anyway ‘case I saw you. Wouldn’ be a total wasted trip out here.” He paused to restore air to his lungs and seemed to notice Mako’s evasive stance. Jamie wildly felt at his pockets. “Wanna cig?”

Mako began turning away again. “‘M asthmatic.”

Jamie started and tossed his own cigarette away like a bomb with a close fuse. “Fuckin’ sorry, man.”

As Mako peeled himself away from the encounter, Jamie sprinted up beside him.

“Hold on hold on, I still wanna ask ya, like, proper though. I really would like ta’ meetcha for drinks. Fuck, what day is it? Thursday? Could’ja do maybe tonight?”

Mako glanced around. People were around but no one seemed to notice or care about the noisy proposition. Back where he was from, the guy would’ve been asking for a beating, at best, for making it clear he likes guys. Mako wanted to be happy the college town was different, but he still felt uncomfortable seeing people show their affection so openly when he could hardly grapple with his.

He sighed, feeling just what he’d wanted in his grasp and hesitating when imagining himself there, a silent stormcloud garnering nervous looks. What do people talk about? As Jamie began to jabber about the various bars they could meet at, though, he realized he may not have to talk at all. 

“Okay.” He interrupted Jamie.

“Hm?” Jamie’s gaze had wandered as he spoke and his attention snapped back to Mako.

“Okay. I’ll have a drink.”

The smaller man grinned, baring sharp, mangled teeth. Perhaps already forgetting Mako’s sensitivity to smoke, he spoke as he shoved another cigarette between his incisors and lit up. “Fuckin’ stellar. I’ll see you there, see you at eight, yeah? Fuckin’ nice, I’ll see you then, mate.” 

Jamie tapped his feet rapidly and skittered away, leaving a trail of ashes.


	3. I Get It All Wrong

Mako paused at the front window of the bar, the sound of shattering glass stopping him en route to the door. He peered through the window, looking past the lettering emblazoned on the glass, and seeing what looked to be Jamie, a young Korean woman, and a busboy crouched over the floor next to the bar. Jamie’s mouth and hands were moving and the girl swatted at his head.

Grateful for some sort of directive, Mako tugged open the door and joined the effort to clean up. 

Jamie laughed at waved a soaked napkin at him. “‘Ey mate! Sorry, ‘ad a little spill here, musta been talking with my hands again.” 

The young woman gaped at Mako with her pink-painted features and slapped at Jamie’s head again. Her bracelets rattled and the light reflected fiercely in her lip gloss as she yelled.

“Aigoo, Jamie, making your date clean up after you! Shut up and wipe this up before you make another mess.”

Meanwhile, the busboy avoided looking away from the glass he was sweeping, clearly uncomfortable and crowded. Mako stepped back to give the guy some space as he dipped away from the small crowd, his dustpan full of glass shards.

Jamie beamed at Mako, ignoring his friend’s scolding. “Oi, yer right. Not being very hospitable.” He popped his face over the bar. “Another round of beers? One for my friend here, too, wouldja?” 

The bartender looked at Jamie a bit dubiously but began filling glasses with beer from the tap. Jamie was already looser than he had been during their awkward encounter that afternoon. It was hard to say if his comfortable bounciness could be pinned to earlier drinks or just being off campus. 

As soon as the bartender set the first full glass on the bar, Jamie swiped it up and held it out to Mako, pointing with his other hand at a booth by the window. 

“Wanna grab that table? Be there in a sec.”

Mako hadn’t really looked at Jamie’s right hand until he took the drink from it--the fingers were mechanical and bright orange. He accidentally stared for a beat before looking over at the window seat.

“Sure.” Mako replied, and then glanced over Jamie’s shoulder at the girl who had been scolding Jamie a moment ago. 

“Oh!” Jamie exclaimed, whipping around and spilling a bit of beer from the new glass in his hand. “‘S my friend, Hana. Lived on the same floor in the dorms a few years back. Drinkin’ buddy.” He raised his glass as a toast and then handed it off to Hana. The girl smiled at Mako.

“Nice to meet you. Thanks for helping us clean up Jamie’s mess.” She turned and rolled her eyes at the lanky blonde. Quickly giving Mako another once over, she said to Jamie, “I’m gonna go sit with the others.” Hana nodded her head toward a high-top further back in the bar where three other young adults sat. 

Jamie nodded and raised his drink at the others, who smiled and yelled something Mako couldn’t make out. 

“‘Nyway, let’s sit down.” Mako followed him to the solitary booth by the window. 

The seat creaked as Mako settled in. The booth was upholstered in cheap vinyl, but it still felt nice to lean into after sitting in too-small plastic chairs all day. At least now he could push the table forward a bit so it wouldn’t jab into his gut. He tasted the beer. It was light and bitter, probably from a brewery in town. Gazing upwards, he noticed almost half of Jamie’s tall glass was already done. Christ, he could put it away. Where did all those carbs go? There was no trace of fat on the man. He was tall, but Mako was big. His muscle, height, and fat made Jamie seem shockingly small, especially when Jamie slouched so far he was practically doubled over. 

Jamie tapped on his glass without rhythm as he spoke, seeming to glance at anything that moved. “Hana ‘n the others like to be around when I meet up w’ someone the first time. ‘Specially on apps and stuff. Y’know.” He giggled and looked over Mako. “Not that you probably gotta worry ‘bout stuff like that, seein’ how you cut a pretty intimidating figure.” He enunciated those last words in a faux-intellectual way that seemed to have a punchline Mako didn’t really grasp. Jamie laughed again at his own joke and reached over the table to elbow Mako. Every time he motioned with his hands he got dangerously close to tipping over his beer, and Mako had to avert his gaze to stop flinching a bit every time. 

“A-ny-way. Was out with Hana and the rest when I saw you on the ol’ Tinder. ‘Ad a few too many, I’m willing to admit.” Jamie paused to take another gulp of his beer. Mako snorted in reply and took a drink as well. “Was just excited to see I wasn’t barkin’ up the wrong tree and all. Been tryin’a make eyes at you all semester.”

Mako almost choked on his drink. His date laughed at his incredulity. “S’true! Yer not too receptive, mate. Dodgin’ these eyes!” He batted his eyes and if the booze wasn’t showing before, it definitely was now. Mako was surprised by how tipsy Jamie had let himself get already. The other man just kept giggling and started scratching at his arm with his right hand, the orange one. Jamie followed his gaze to the prosthetic hand and waved it up proudly, pulling his sleeve up to expose a prosthetic forearm as well.

“Like the orange? Yeh, practically blew myself in half back in high school. Was quite the little shit back then, wild to think I didn’t burn up more than I did. ‘S just tryin’ to get back at these fuckin’ kids. They’re always tryin’ to fuck with me when I’d walk home. Woulda served them roight if I hadn’t fucked up the ratios so bad, ‘s just trying to scare them really.” He was absentmindedly scratching at his arm again, though Mako thought it looked a bit painful to be absentminded.

“Anyway. Pay attention in chem and all that. Don’t play with bombs. ‘M a fuckin’ posterboy for that. Got some pretty sweet fakes though.” He held up the orange arm and inspected it. Looking back up at Mako, he wiggled his thick eyebrows. “Yer not some kin’a creep are ya?”

Confused, Mako raised an eyebrow back and sipped at his beer. Was he staring or something?

Jamie laughed, always a little too loud. “Jus’ kiddin’. Mostly, I guess. Some creeps online ‘n stuff, get off to this kinda thing. M’ arm and leg, I mean.” 

Mako snorted. “You liked me.”

Jamie jabbed at him with his bony elbow again. “Well you liked me too, mate! Tha’s how this works!”

Mako’s brows scrunched together. “No, you. Super-liked me. Dunno how that works.”

Jamie’s mouth formed a little “O” and he slapped the table, again, nearly toppling his drink. “I fuckin’ did! Forgot. Sorry, fuckin’ forgetful.” His eyes wandered off behind Mako and he had a long swig of beer. “Damn.”

“What.” Mako tried to ask after a beat, but his nerves made his flat voice even flatter. Jamie’s silence had gone on for an uncharacteristic extra moment and Mako hadn’t been ready to speak again.

Jamie giggled a bit and dismissively waved his hand, raising his glass to finish his drink. “‘S just a little embarrassing. Y’ weren’t even interested ‘n I just twisted yer arm to grab a drink with me ‘nyway. I mean, ‘s kind of rude to corner you like that, but I thought we’d at least, like. Matched, yeah?” 

Mako shrugged. “Not a big deal.” Honestly, the fact that Jamie was interested in him was surprising and flattering, although the smaller man had yet to get to know him. 

But Jamie hardly seemed to hear him, his eyes searching for something outside the window and his hand wandering up to scratch at his head. A silence built between them and Mako attempted to reign in the conversation somewhere lighter.

“What’re you studying.”

Jamie’s eyes popped back over and he smiled. “M’ major’s chemical engineering. Came around. With the science I mean. No more blowin’ m’ limbs off. S’ fuckin’ boring, a lot of it. Might not stick with it. Grades ain’t too pretty r’now but I’m gonna work on it. Later. You know.” Jamie countered the fairly serious thought with a flippant hand wave, clearly not interested in looking even a moment in the future. “And what’s your major, big guy?”

“Sculpture.”

Jamie leaned forward, floored. 

“No kiddin’, eh? Big guy like you, a creative type, I love it! Yer so serious, thought maybe you were, I’unno, somethin’ boring. Sculpture, ah…” Jamie scratched his chin, likely trying to name a famous sculpture. That was what most people did when they learned about his work. 

“I work with metal. Welding.” Mako clarified in hopes of dissipating references to marble.

Jamie grinned even wider. “Oh wow. Brilliant. Where’s your work, I wanna see it! You wear those masks?” He gestured a rectangle around his face. 

Mako grunted. “Yeah. ‘S all in my studio.”

“Yer studio, ah… You gotta show me sometime, okay?”

“Sure.” Mako agreed, but still not really committed to ever seeing this guy again.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Mako looked up from his phone. Jamie had run to the restroom and was beginning to amble back, stopping to chat with his friends in the back. He watched as Jamie laughed and had a shot with a short-haired girl, Hana covering her face and then clearly chastising him. Mako thought he saw her gesture toward him and another girl at the table stole a quick glance at him. Most of them were blocked from his view but Hana had a pretty clear vantage, which he figured was so she could keep an eye on her friend. He wondered if she was more worried about him or Jamie.

When Jamie returned they chatted about the class they shared, biology, which was required for most students. 

“‘S sooooo fuckin’ ridiculous, mate. Feels like ‘m being fuckin’ robbed.” Jamie was cursing even more than before and he was slurring a bit. 

Mako had finished his second beer. His body absorbed the alcohol like it was water, two beers not nearly enough to affect his judgment. Feeling worn out, he started to make evasive motions: checking his phone, commenting on the time.

“Was nice meeting you.”

Jamie smiled a bit hollowly. “You wanna, ah. Was gonna ask if you wanted to come over to my place?” 

What did that mean? Discomfort hit Mako like a truck as he fielded the too-obvious, beyond flirting. Their meeting had hardly felt like a date, or he’d at least let himself pretend it wasn’t. He was hard-pressed to find something that wasn’t wrong about this. Jamie was too drunk, they hardly knew each other, there were so many steps missing. He nervously rubbed his nose and averted Jamie’s eyes. 

“Not tonight. Should get home. You should too.” 

Jamie scrunched his mouth up, his expression blank. “Roight.”

He walked Mako outside of the bar and they made awkward goodbyes, both trying to forget those final moments where glints of desperation had seemed to come out from hiding, shame burning the soles of Mako’s shoes as he made his getaway and didn’t look back. He heard the flick of Jamie’s lighter and his slow exhale. More distant: the door opening, the voices of Hana and maybe a few others. The music of other pubs and restaurants downtown. He kept walking. Quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for all your kind comments, they are so encouraging!


	4. Follow Your Gem

_Mako: I just feel bad_  
_Mako: I left really suddenly_  
_Alex: I mean you were uncomfortable its ok_  
_Alex: you dont have to talk to people who make you uncomfortable_  
_Mako: He wasn’t that bad._  
_Mako: I just felt gross_  
_Alex: he made you feel gross?_  
_Mako: I think I made me feel gross_

Mako clipped his nails, cutting them down almost to the quick, glancing up in anticipation of Alex’s next text. She’d been one of his few friends in high school and remained one of his few phone contacts. They’d bonded over the pottery wheels, taking turns playing music when they came in on free periods. Putting problems into words with Alex helped him figure out what his feelings even were. Locked in his own head, his emotions were hard to name and coiled themselves into tight knots. 

_Alex: why gross?_

Mako twitched his mouth to the side. 

_Mako: Dating is weird_  
_Mako: I feel like he decided he likes me but he doesn’t even know me_  
_Alex: i mean_  
_Alex: thats why hes trying to get to know you_  
_Alex: i think youre thinking too much about this one date bc_  
_Alex: its your first date_

Not knowing what to say, he put the phone down and clipped the small crescents of his nails further back. After a moment, it buzzed again.

_Alex: you dont have to meet up with him again but i think_  
_Alex: youre playing it safe. Like in general_  
_Alex: and i want you to be happy but i think maybe youve been playng it safe for too long and youre kinda hiding_  
_Alex: like when you wouldnt admit you liked that guy sophomore yr_  
_Alex: and then like senior yr you were like yeah ok_  
_Alex: youre not gross but when youre like quarantining yourself like that you start to believe you are_

The phone kept buzzing in his hand as he was bombarded. He felt like her words couldn’t breach the tension of his surface. He set the phone down and made for the bathroom to start the shower and get it nice and hot. Maybe the steam would open his pores and he could absorb Alex’s wisdom. She wouldn’t mind waiting a bit for his reply.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The weekend’s reprieve from school made Thursday’s events feel less catastrophic, though still embarrassing. Mako promised himself he would try to talk to Jamie after biology, come Tuesday. 

He would have, too, if Jamie had stuck around. But he didn’t. The tall blonde in the front row slipped away while Mako was concentrated on taking notes. It was funny to think, now, about their reversal of roles, how so far one of them always seemed to be grasping at the threads of the other. All too conscious of his imposing stature, he knew he didn’t want to force Jamie to talk to him. He hated that he was scary.

Mako pulled his phone from his pocket. He wanted to find a space between, where things weren’t all at once but weren’t nothing at all. Somewhere familiar but new. He was going to give them both the space to disappear, if they had to, but hopefully they didn’t have to, and he wasn’t going to give up just to protect himself. He opened the App Store and reinstalled Tinder. And there he was, right where he’d left off. He opened the old conversation with Jamie and swiped right on his picture.

“Hey.”

He was ready to wait for a reply, but it came as soon as he set the phone down. 

“Hey”

That’s a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> super short chapter but this part of the story felt pretty self-contained and i didn't want to force length where it didn't feel right. i'll be updating again soon to make up for how short this part is :)
> 
> thanks as always for all your comments!!! every single one makes my day. i love your support for the characters, i know this has not been a very uplifting read so far but i hope you will stick with it! see you soon!


	5. The Fossils I Find

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've settled on a "mature" instead of a "teen" rating based on some of Jamie's background, please review the tags I've added in case you are sensitive to discussion of child abuse, although I don't plan on having any explicit descriptions of the past events and will be focusing on their effects.   
> sorry i keep dragging yall through hell with these guys

Cold air seeped into the thin exterior walls of Mako’s apartment. You could feel the currents of it as you walked by the windows. Mako was almost surprised you couldn’t see it, creeping up like a fog, making a cheap haunted house of his small home.

He didn’t mind, though. His body churned out heat to keep pace with the late Fall. He loved wrapping himself in his comforter, the heavier one, and switching his brain off for the deep sleep the colder climate allowed. Though tonight, when he flicked the lamp off, the pitch black didn’t sweep over him. He curled over the light of his phone, reading a new message.

“im gonna lay down too. can i ask you something?”

Mako felt his heartbeat pick up. They had been exchanging casual messages throughout the day, Mako replying during lulls at work and as he did his reading for tomorrow’s classes. Nothing too serious had been said, just asking about each other's’ days. Mako had apologized for leaving abruptly but assured Jamie he’d enjoyed himself. Jamie apologized for coming on to him too strong. They’d glazed over it but Mako didn’t mind. He hadn’t expected an apology from his date and was somewhat relieved that Jamie also felt that he’d come on too strong. Jamie promised to have less “liquid courage” next time. Mako said that’d probably be a good idea.

But Jamie’s new message had that promise he hadn’t felt since high school, those times he couldn’t believe how late he’d stayed up, sharing things he hadn’t told anyone else.

“Sure.”

“before you messaged me it said you liked me back. did you do that on purpose”

“Yeah why?”

“just wondering because i was kinda pitching a fit about it the other day and thought i made you feel like you had to”

“I didn’t feel like I had to” Mako paused and then sent another message. “I’m not good at showing people I like them so I thought it would help if I said it on here”

“oh ok”

Another message: “good”

A third: “do you have early classes tomorrow”

He didn’t. His first Wednesday class was in the afternoon.

“do you want to go for a drive with me”

“Right now?”

“if youre not too tired”

Mako thought about it. He flicked the light back on and grabbed his coat. 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Jamie hurried over to the car door, shivering in his T-shirt. He flopped into the passenger side and rubbed his arms. “‘Ey. ‘S so fuckin’ cold!” 

Mako raised his eyebrows and nodded slowly. “A coat helps.”

“Aaaaah I hate bundling up. ‘M always too hot and can’t move.”

Mako held his tongue, about to suggest moderation to a man who seemed to struggle with the concept.

“Buckle up.”

Jamie slumped over. “Do I hav’ta?”

“Yes.”

He ducked his head. “Awlright. Turn up that heat though!”

Mako sighed and adjusted the thermostat. 

“Did you want to go somewhere?”

Jamie shook his head and looked out the window as they pulled out of the apartment complex’s parking lot. “Jus’ wanted to get out of there, really. Felt like I was gonna do somethin’ else spectacularly stupid ‘f I just sat there.”

“Like what?”

“Ah, I’m jus’ always tryin’ t’ fuck things up.” He laughed. “‘S probably why I’m always fuckin’ around w’ explosives I guess.”

Mako looked over to try to read what Jamie meant but he wouldn’t look back at him. 

“Thanks.” Jamie finally said after a moment. “Fer driving.”

Mako looked back at the road and nodded. “Wanna drive through the rich neighborhoods and see their Halloween decorations?”

He heard Jamie giggle, faintly and then louder. “Tha’d be stellar. Thanks, mate.”

They drove in silence down the near-empty roads to the nicer side of town where the roads sprawled out for rows of well-kept homes. As they slowly passed through the neighborhood, they could already see a house approaching, decked out in lights and lawn decorations. 

Jamie whistled. “Hooly dooly.”

Mako smiled, idling past the lit-up house. He knew how these neighborhoods were and was sure there would be more ridiculous displays as they drove on. Jamie turned to watch the house slowly fade behind them.

“Yer house ever like that growin’ up? Can’t imagine all that.”

“Not at all. Parents couldn’ even remember to take down th’ Christmas lights most years.” Mako replied with a short laugh. 

Jamie bobbed his head, drumming his fingers on the door. “M’ parents probably used to. Decorate a lot. I r’member they had a lotta shit in storage like that. Never really put it out though.”

Mako looked over. “Something happen?”

The passenger was picking at his arm, speaking more quietly than Mako was used to. “Ah, they fucked off a long time ago. M’ grandparents raised me mostly. Til I finally fucked off, too. Took me long enough, though. Jus’ stayed in short term housing for a few months til I was 18.” The corners of his mouth twitched down. “Shit was fucked.”

Mako wanted to ask why he’d left but didn’t know if he should. “You left home?” He asked instead.

Jamie nodded. “Yeh. Well, I was removed from home. But I was leavin’ anyway. I was already in the system. They jus’ had a reason to take me.”

They were approaching a dead end. Two houses on either side of the street’s end were lit up, one in orange and white fairy lights, the other with a crimson porch light and cheap decor. Mako pulled over at the end of the road and better looked at Jamie in the glow. 

“I’m sorry that happened.”

Jamie shrugged. “Me too. I’m glad it’s over.” 

Mako struggled to find the right words. “It sounds like it’s been hard.”

Jamie bobbed his head again and chewed the inside of his cheek. After a long moment he forced out, “Yeah. It’s been really hard.” He swallowed and kept nodding. Finally he looked back at Mako. “Sorry. I don’t really talk about this a lot.”

Mako shook his head. “It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it right now.”

Jamie looked up and leaned back. “God. I jus’ barely know you.”

“Y’ don’t get to choose when you need to talk about something.”

Jamie nodded again, always bobbing his head around. “You’re right.” He sat up and whipped around to face Mako, holding out his hand for a handshake.

Confused, Mako just stared at his hand.

“Le’s try again? I’m Jamie. Y’know some deeply persn’l thing about me. Nice to meetcha.”

Mako snorted and shook his hand. “Mako.”

Jamie laughed wildly. “‘S been weird, Mako. Sorry for that.”

Mako just smiled and laughed through his nose again but didn’t let go of Jamie’s hand. Jamie didn’t let go either. The white underside of Jamie’s forearm was dotted with raised splotches and lines, white and pink. He ran his thumb over the smaller man’s knuckles.

“Small hands.” 

Jamie scoffed and yanked his hand away. “Nah, yer jus’ fuckin’ big.” 

Mako laughed and started the car. “You ready to head home?”

Jamie grinned but tried to hide it, looking straight ahead out the windshield. “Yeh.”

“Okay.”

As Mako turned out of the neighborhood and back onto the main road, Jamie’s hand reached out and pulled Mako’s right palm off the wheel. Mako enclosed the bony hand in his own and kept driving, wishing he were more like the headlights that cut through the thick and obtuse dark as the vehicle plunged on.


	6. Where There Remains But A Mark

Jamie sat next to Mako in Biology the next Thursday. Mako was surprised to see him appear from the balcony door. He’d been waiting for him to stumble in the front, five or ten minutes in. Well, he’d still been late as ever.

“Hey, mate.” Jamie whispered, jumping into the seat next to him. Flakes of cigarette ash snowed from the creases in his t-shirt. He sat as if he was folded into the chair as the seat swung up to its resting position, his knees drawn up to his chest and his head hanging off the back. Mako couldn’t imagine this was comfortable, but he’d never been able to bend his limbs so sharply like his thin neighbor could. Maybe Jamie was like the theater-style seats, his standard position collapsed and angular until someone unfolded him. 

He hadn’t seen Jamie since their drive Tuesday night. When he’d gotten into bed for the second time that night he had felt airy and alive, remembering Jamie’s hand in his and the dreamy glow of the fairy lights. Jamie shivering but still stopping to wave goodbye from his porch before Mako drove away.

But as soon as he laid down, doubt swam over him again. Something thick and dark seemed to spread in his chest, pinning him in place, alone in the night. He tried to put words on it, later.

_Mako: I just feel so gross_  
_Alex: you said that the other day_  
_Alex: what kind of gross? what do you feel gross about_

He kept inhaling deeply, trying to evacuate the weight in his chest.

_Mako: Just when I think about me and Jamie being together_  
_Mako: Or when I think about being with anyone_  
_Mako: I just get this bad feeling. Like anxiety but just. Gross_

He struggled to put it into better words. They never came easily.

_Alex: remember when i first met mei_  
_Alex: and i kept thinking i was being like the “predatory lesbian” bc i liked her_  
_Mako: I think I remember this_  
_Alex: well_  
_Alex: weve been hearing that stuff like forever_  
_Alex: like that the way we feel is predatory and unwanted_  
_Alex: i literally couldnt imagine what dating a girl would be like it felt impossible and wrong_  
_Alex: it took me a while to get used to someone actually liking me_  
_Alex: idk maybe youre feeling a different gross though_

Mako turned her words over and over in his palms. 

Jamie leaned over, resting half his weight on Mako’s armrest. His elbow jutted past, blocking Mako’s view of his notebook, resting on his lap in lieu of the collapsible desk that would never comfortably close over Mako’s body. 

“You got any plans for Halloween?”

Mako slid the bony arm off the side of his chair. “No.”

Jamie curved the rejected arm over the top of his own head, still slumped into Mako’s space. 

“W-ell. Hana, you know Hana?”

Mako raised an eyebrow, unsmiling, and nodded. 

“Course you know Hana. I introduced ya.” Jamie’s eyes wandered off past Mako. “Shit, what was I saying?”

“Halloween.”

“Roight. So Hana _loves_ Halloween.” Mako watched his hands wave for emphasis, always somewhat limp at the wrist, jerking at the elbows with every important syllable. Twitchy fingers most of the time. Anyway, Mako knew what he was going to say.

“‘N every year she has a party. For Halloween. Costumes required ‘n all that. Get smashed. Always a grand time.”

Mako leaned back in his seat. Jamie watched him, waiting for a response.

“So?”

“So what.”

“So, you wanna come?”

Mako closed his eyes, trying to imagine himself at a loud party, let alone in a Halloween costume. He hadn’t worn a costume since the third grade. When he opened his eyes, Jamie was wiggling around, still watching him.

“Well?” He asked impatiently, half playful, half obviously, painfully serious. “Aw, I won’ drink too much,” He added when Mako didn’t respond instantly, poking at Mako’s shoulder with a sharp fingernail. 

“‘M not gonna wear a costume.” Mako finally answered.

Jamie grinned furiously, squirming back into his seat, out of Mako’s sparingly parceled-out space. 

“We’ll see.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

He couldn’t convince Mako wear even the most minimal costume, though, in the week before Halloween night. 

“youre a real party pooper m8,” he’d texted him the morning of Halloween.

Mako just rolled his eyes at Jamie’s insistence. The way Jamie looked at him that day, light throwing itself out of his eyes, his feet tapping, can’t stand still. Aggressively happy that Mako was coming--the costume was a non-issue. 

Walking home from class through the low mist, he watched elementary schoolers line up in bright, cheap costumes. Some bigger kid, older maybe, wearing a Scream mask over normal clothes, shoved the kid in front of him. A decade ago it might have been Mako in the mask. Some things never change. He didn’t envy the children, parading and posing.

He was almost jealous, though, to see everyone else in costume at Hana’s.

Jamie flung himself out of the passenger seat before Mako had even fully stopped.

“Look at Hana! We’re on some Saturday morning shit!” Jamie lept over to his friend. His turtle shell bobbed as he moved. He hadn’t put much effort into the costume, for all the noise he made about wearing one. He’d tied a red scarf over his forehead and wore a turtle shell backpack over a more or less normal outfit for him, shorts and a tank top. Mako had tried to tighten the straps on the backpack, but Jamie wouldn’t sit still long enough for him to get a hold on the adjuster. 

Hana laughed and high-fived Jamie. “Hey, Raphael made it!” She was wearing a pink Power Ranger bodysuit, standing on her porch to greet Jamie and Mako.

“Hey! Where’s your costume?” She whined when Mako stepped out of the car and into the light.

“Forgive him,” Jamie spoke for him. “Maybe we can throw a sheet over ‘im when he’s not lookin’, eh?” A bony elbow jabbed at his side. 

Hana pouted at Mako for another moment before opening the door to let them in. Music crashed out from the open door. He felt bad for the neighbors.

The living room seemed to be designated for dancing. Someone was in the corner playing DJ, their face covered by a frog mask. A girl in a Speed Racer costume was dragging a Vampira-lookalike in to dance. 

“Hiya, Jamie!” Speed Racer called, momentarily giving up on her dance partner. 

“And guest.” Vampira murmured, almost haughty. 

“Yeh, hi guys, this’s Mako. Couldn’ get ‘im to dress up, I know.” 

Mako raised a hand, feeling awkward that his first impression was his unwillingness to participate, but no one seemed to care as much as Hana. The music thudded around them. He could feel the bass vibrating in the floorboards. Jamie couldn’t seem to keep both feet on the ground at the same time, bobbing around and talking loudly to his friends. Mako’s eyes always returned to the rhythmically waving arms, one an inorganic orange and the other blotchy and scarred. The bumps cast the tiniest shadows in the yellow glow--fairy lights, like before. The ceiling was draped with them.

“Gonna grab a drink w’ me?” Jamie tugged at his arm. He’d crossed them without thinking. Always so defensive. Didn’t need a costume to be scary.

“Sure.” 

He had to duck under the kitchen’s doorframe, too tall for such a small house. Jamie pressed an empty cup in his hand. “Whatcha want?”

Mako ignored his question and poured himself some cheap red wine. Jamie giggled. 

“Wine, huh? Fulla surprises.”

Mako just raised his eyebrows over the lip of his cup, tasting the thick and sweet liquor. Jamie laughed again, grinning into Mako’s gaze before finally turning back and pouring himself some wine, too. He splutters when he tastes it. 

“Who brought the wine?!” Jamie yelled into the living room.

The Vampira girl--Amelie--looks over, bemused. “Lena picked it out.” 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“You guuuuuuuys,” Hana whines, “What movie should we watch?!”

Everyone keeps talking over her. They’re all a bit drunk and reckless, poking fun at Hana’s party activities. 

“Jus’ pick something!” Jamie shouts as she scrolls deeper into Netflix’s collection of horror movies. 

“Tell me what to pick!”

Mako feels bad and she’s been looking for a movie for almost ten minutes. Everyone piled on the couch is getting rambunctious. The frog guy keeps sneaking over to play music while Hana waffles on the movie, and Lena follows him to dance. 

“Scream.” Mako finally says.

Hana spins around to look at him. “Woah! Haven’t heard you talk yet!” She grins. “Thank you for helping me, unlike all my other ungrateful guests.” She always enunciates all her syllables sharply, but particularly when she’s chiding her friends.

“I love Scream and it’s a great movie for a party. Mako is so smart!” She adds loudly. This seems to be her way of corralling her friends back onto the couch, and they noisily amble back. Mako gives her a thumbs-up. 

Jamie had been fooling around, getting another drink and vaulting over chairs, but when Mako spoke he snapped back to his side, attentively watching his exchange with Hana.

As the movie opened, Jamie poked Mako’s hand. “‘M gonna pop out for a smoke.”

Jamie looked up in surprise when Mako joined him on the porch. 

“Y’ didn’t have to join me, I know yer allergic.”

“Asthma.” Mako corrected. “Don’t mind. Don’t know your friends too well.”

“Y’ seemed to be gettin’ on with Hana.” Jamie exhaled a stream of smoke.

Mako shrugged. They’d only exchanged a few words.

Jamie shook his head. “Sorry. ‘M drunk. I get jealous a little easy sometimes.”

“Jealous?”

Jamie squinted at the parked cars on the street, seeming to just be avoiding Mako’s eyes. 

“Y’ just were being nice. Y’ hardly talk to me. I dunno.” He picked at his arm, taking a drag.

“I’m not very good at talking.”

“No, ‘s fine.” Jamie hesitated. “I jus’ thought we were like, here together, y’know.”

“You keep runnin’ off.”

Jamie laughed nervously, smoke escaping his lips. “Guess I do. Sorry. I dunno what ‘m talkin’ about.”

They stood in silence as Jamie smoked. He flicked the end of the cigarette into the driveway and watched as sparks scattered where it hit. As he turned to go back inside, he wobbled. Mako reached out to steady him. The smaller man giggled. 

“Really must be drunk.”

Mako snorted. Jamie clawed at his arm as he stumbled and Mako took his hand to hold him still. 

“Now y’ hold my hand, all I had to do was get plastered!” 

Mako raised his eyebrows. “Didn’t know you wanted to hold my hand.”

Jamie swatted at his shoulder, too drunk to be embarrassed. “‘Course I do!” 

Mako grabbed the swatting hand, too. “Okay.”

His companion was startled by his other hand being seized but quickly started to laugh. “Not _both_ of ‘em.” 

Mako let go. “Okay.”

Jamie just kept laughing, probably drunk enough to find anything funny. He pressed his face into Mako’s chest, and Mako let him.

“We gonna go back inside?” Mako finally asked when Jamie quieted down.

“Yeh.” Jamie held on to his hand. “Lead the way.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Thanks for coming, you guys.” Hana called to Amelie and Lena as they left. 

Jamie squirmed into Mako’s shoulder, dozing off. 

“You guys gonna stay over?” The host had appeared before them, her hair tied up in two buns.

Mako looked at his phone. It was well past 3 and he was pretty tired, from the wine and the talking and watching Jamie buzz around. Jamie just went and went until he completely stopped, sitting down for a moment and falling asleep. 

“I don’t want to be a bother.” Mako finally said, gently shaking Jamie’s shoulder to rouse him.

“No, it’s totally fine.” Hana was already gathering up blankets from the chairs in the living room. “I’d rather you stayed here really. No offense, but I don’t know you too well, so I don’t really want my drunk friend in your car.” Blunt.

She handed him the blankets and gave him a thumbs up when he accepted. “Plus, we can all get breakfast when we wake up!” She poked at Jamie’s head. “If he ever wakes up.”

Mako reeled at her chipper honesty but could appreciate her protecting Jamie. He pried Jamie off his shoulder and laid him down on the couch, putting the blankets over him, and sat himself on the carpet.

“Thanks.”

Hana nodded, yawning, and then turned to go upstairs. She’d been drinking all night but didn’t seem drunk at all. Mako was impressed. A minute later, Mako heard the sounds of her typing, speaking, video game sound effects, faintly from the ceiling. He snorted and laid down on the floor.

He closed his eyes to sleep, even though he knew it wouldn’t come. The anxiety sat high in his chest and he could rarely sleep anywhere but his own bed, alone. He fished for his earbuds to listen to music while he lay there. Maybe if he played it loud enough, he’d forget where he was and sleep for a few hours. 

He heard Jamie rustling, muffled through his earbuds. He pulled them out, unsure if Jamie was saying something or just squirming again.

“Where’dya go,” Jamie moaned, sitting up. He squinted and looked right at Mako.

“‘M right here.”

“Oh.” Jamie crawled off the couch and curled up next to Mako. “Okay.”

Mako put away his headphones and hesitantly put an arm around Jamie’s shoulders. Jamie wrapped his hand around Mako’s arm, pulling it around him.

“G’night.”

Mako closed his eyes. When he opened them again, Jamie was sitting up, fiddling with Hana’s Playstation. The morning light forced itself through the blinds in sharp stripes. Mako ran his hand through his hair. It had come loose from his hair tie. 

“G’morning.” Jamie said, putting down the controller. Mako grunted.

“Y’ look beautiful.” Jamie poked his shoulder with his toe.

Mako rolled his eyes and held out his hand. Jamie grinned and scrambled back to lay at Mako’s side. Half-asleep, somehow having slept at all, uninhibited by the anxieties of a day that’s started and more drunk on the fog of the October morning than Lena’s cheap wine. He hugged Jamie close to him, wrapping his arms around his back. Jamie’s heartbeat was like a rabbit’s. His own was sick of being so fast, too tired to rouse itself. He inhaled and Jamie smelled like stale smoke. It wasn’t romantic. He didn’t mind. Jamie’s arms were long, but not long enough to wrap around him. 

“Thanks.”

“For what?” Jamie leaned his head back, out of the embrace.

“Inviting me.”

He’d closed his eyes but he could still hear Jamie smile.

“‘M glad you came.” 

“Me too.” He opened his eyes, releasing Jamie and running a hand down Jamie’s arm. Jamie flinched a bit when he neared the scar tissue on his flesh arm.

Mako didn’t say anything about the scars but Jamie still said, “I know” when he pulled his hand away. 

“Sorry,” Jamie said after a beat. “Embarrassing.”

“Nah.”

Jamie snorted. “Yeah. ‘S a terrible habit. And gross.”

Mako just looked at him. “I love gross.”

Jamie laughed. “Then we’re perfect fer each other, eh?”

He smiled. He knew he looked ugly, especially in the unforgiving morning light. But Jamie didn’t act like he did, touching his face and hair, poking at his leg with his cold feet. 

“I could look atcha all day.” 

Mako pushed his face away. “Shut up.”

Jamie beamed, wrestling his arm away to keep staring at Mako. “S’true.” 

“ _I’m_ gross.”

Jamie just laughed and tumbled away, propping himself up on his elbows to watch Mako from afar. “Keep tellin’ y’rself that, but quit blockin’ my view.” He batted his eyes. 

“Go on, then. Repulse me.”

Mako threw a pillow at him. He wanted to argue under Jamie’s gaze for hours, but Hana came down too soon, jokingly scolding Jamie for waking everyone up, prodding him to get his shoes on, offering to drive them all to the diner for breakfast. Mako silently complied. 

He wasn’t ready for the rest of the world to wake up. He only wanted Jamie to look at him. Just for a little while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I love gross" shamelessly ripped from a movie I haven't even seen, ty for tolerating this lmao. i was also tired and drunk when i wrote some of this so forgive my errors, i edited but i tend to miss things
> 
> welcome to the LGBT foreigners club


	7. Baby Teeth

Mako lifted his mask. The tea kettle’s whistle was tugging through the din of his torch, time for his break. He removed his gloves as he turned to switch the hot plate off and pour the hot water into his mug. The steam ballooned out onto his sweaty face. It made his pores tickle, and he held his face over the mug for another moment to prolong that weird feeling before he emptied the kettle and put it away.

Work could always wait. He needed breaks from the bright and loud sprays of light. If he didn’t stop at his usual time, even for tea, hot or over ice, he’d keep working, forgetting to rest until he’d exhausted himself or finished what he’d been working on. So the grounding scream of the steam escaping the kettle was necessary. He was already coming back, just sitting down, letting his tea steep. Realizing he was hot, his shoulders were stiff. When the mask was on, he didn’t feel these things. 

It wasn’t that he felt powerful under all his layers of metal and thick cloth. Everything was just muffled. His movement was gently limited by the long gloves over his sleeves and the stiff apron creased at the center. He’d only seen himself in the mask and apron, gloves, coat, all of it, a few times. His studio mate had taken a photo of him in his gear a while back. He looked like a beast. Most everyone looked about the same in the getup, but his huge frame made the mask look more uncannily proportioned, like it could be his face. He didn’t hate that.

He fished the teabag out of the cup, not wanting to ruin the drink with bitterness. Mako looked around the room, at everything lying where he’d left it minutes or days before. Most things in his studio couldn’t be moved without effort and a firm grip.

He needed to sort through his work soon, pull the sheets off his old pieces and figure out what he wanted to display upstairs. The small gallery at the front of the campus art building rotated through features of students’ art and Mako had been selected for showcase. Every student ended up in the gallery at some point, if only having a piece in the show for seniors at the end of every year. But being selected for an individual show, and as a junior, too, was flattering and encouraging. 

Surprising, too. Mako worked hard on his sculptures but always struggled to make connections with anyone in his program. He tended to avoid speaking to professors outside of routine classroom interactions, and he had a lot of room to improve his writing about his own work. His movement within the program was passable and even skillful, but always lacked the networking finesse that seemed necessary to achieve any notice. He knew, really, that he’d probably never succeed as an artist if he didn’t learn to market himself. The thought was just exhausting. Yet he’d been asked to meet with his instructor, and she’d asked if he’d be interested in an independent showcase.

He sipped at his tea, scanning the silhouettes of his sculptures under wraps, crowded into the back corner of the room. He felt the urge to uncover and examine them, but he already had their forms and feelings completely memorized. He’d sweated over them for hours and days, handling them through his padded gloves and poring through the cloudy dark of his mask. 

Well, he’d look at them later. He didn’t want to muddle his plans for his current piece by looking at something old. He was liable to get another form stuck in his head, the patterns of old thoughts folded into what could be a simple directive. There was no need to do anything right now but sit and finish his tea.

He pulled his phone from his pocket to check the time and gauge how much longer he should stay holed up down here. Without looking at the clock he could hardly guess what time it might be. Some days time whipped by while he worked, but others he couldn’t find focus and each moment held on a little longer than it seemed it should. His studio was beneath the ground floor and the lack of windows made the space feel oddly outside of normal time flow.

Tapping the power button, Mako smiled to see a text from Jamie.

_Jamie: whats up_

He balanced his tea on his lap while he typed back.

_Mako: Working in my studio_

Jamie’s text was from over an hour ago. Mako never remembered to check his phone in the studio, not that he usually had any pressing messages to check. It was impossible to hear a ping or feel a vibration when he was working a torch over metal. Still, Jamie got back to him almost immediately.

_Jamie: omg i just got out of class can i come see_

He recoiled from the question. It was a lot easier to field Jamie’s curiosity about his work when he asked while they were together, or when they were texting at odd hours. But now, knowing Jamie, he was probably already walking to the art building.

_Mako: I was just getting ready to leave_

A lie, but he felt shy suddenly, as if he could have left something embarrassing out in the open. Well, nearly a year’s worth of work. He finished his tea and went to rinse his mug out. 

_Jamie: ah dang ok when do i get to see yr art!!!_   
_Mako: I’m going to have a show soon_   
_Mako: Theres a reception the night it opens its not a big thing but you can come_

He replied, relieved he wasn’t going to round a corner and see Jamie snooping around.

_Jamie: nice lemme know when so i can ask off work_   
_Jamie: if youre leaving now you wanna hang out_   
_Mako: Sure_

He rinsed and dried the mug and headed back to the studio, already untying the sturdy apron. It slouched back onto its hook. His welding jacket soon joined it. The thick clothes held their humanoid silhouettes, ready to haunt visitors from their corner. He double checked that he had switched off everything in the workspace and cleared off some scrap from the table. He didn’t need more old messes lurking in the little den. With a final glance over to the cluster of covered sculpture, he flipped the lights off and locked the door. The mobility and the coolness of moving without his welding gear on refreshed him, humid as the lower floors could be.

_Jamie: meet me at the lib im getting coffee_

Mako started up the stairs that led to the exit and headed toward the library. He had a book he needed for a research paper, anyway. He looked up the reference number so he could quickly find it in case Jamie didn’t want to hang around the place too long. It was funny to imagine Jamie in the library at all, but he supposed that despite Jamie’s dismissive attitude toward school, he could still enjoy the library.

His first assumption proved correct when he arrived, though. Jamie seemed to be vibrating with nervous energy, standing by the exit with his coffee, checking his phone. He hardly needed to be caffeinated.

“Oh, hey!” Jamie jumped, looking up from his phone.

“Hey.”

Jamie wiggled his coffee. “I already got this, so if you wanna get outta here…”

“Actually, I need a book. Do you mind if I go find it.” Mako pointed at the stairs that led to the stacks.

Jamie looked surprised, wiggling his bushy eyebrows. “Sure, mate.”

He expected Jamie to have a seat and wait while he found his book, but his companion joined him on the stairs to the third floor stacks.

Silently, Mako scanned the shelves for his number. He always got turned around in the maze of the stacks, but he managed to find the right shelf on his first round through the floor. Jamie followed along slowly, sheepishly poking his head around the side of the shelf. 

“Y’think people really go at it up here?”

Mako snorted. When the sunlight caught through the windows, the dust almost looked like snow. So many old books, and no one ever seemed to clean up here.

“Yeh, for a sec I thought you were puttin’ moves on me, askin’ me to come up here. Dunno why, knowin’ you.” Jamie continued, sipping at his coffee. He glanced up after Mako remained silent.

The dust had held thick in Mako’s throat and he coughed, his breath getting short. He tried to clear his throat again, coughing, but knew it wouldn’t work. He was already reaching for his inhaler. Turning away a bit, he breathed in and squeezed the inhaler.

Jamie had never seen him use the inhaler before. Mako didn’t have to look at him to know he was staring, anxious, even though he’d deescalated his asthma attack within seconds.

“Y’ good?” Jamie finally asked after a beat.

“Just dusty up here.”

Jamie tapped his foot. “Need some water ‘r anythin’?”

Mako looked over and monotoned, “Just don’t make me laugh.”

After being startled for a moment, Jamie started to giggle. “Can’t help bein’ so damn funny.” He took a drink of his coffee. 

Mako found his book and slid it off the shelf. “Okay.” He looked down at Jamie.

“Yer done already?”

Mako nodded. “Just gotta go check it out at the desk.”

He started to move toward the exit.

“Why don’cha wanna show me yer art?”

Jamie was still standing there, watching him. He continued when Mako didn’t respond right away.

“I mean, ‘m not mad, I jus’ was wondering. I’ve asked about it ‘n you always avoid it.”

Mako shrugged and tried to hold his gaze. “It’s just private I guess.”

Jamie nodded and fiddled with the lid of his coffee cup. It was a cheap one, with the tab you had to pry up. He kept tugging at the little plastic flap, flicking his thumb over it, making tiny thwanging sounds.

“I guess it jus’ feels like I don’ know anythin’ about you.”

Mako nodded and looked at his feet. “Yeah. I guess that’s why I’ve been avoiding showing you the studio. I dunno.”

He felt Jamie’s eyes on him again. “It feels like you already know everythin’ about me.”

Mako forced himself to look back at Jamie. “There’s just not much to know. About me.”

Jamie’s mouth squirmed over to the left, his thumb still sending the plastic vibrating over and over. Suddenly he gasped and nearly dropped the cup. The edge where he’d torn the plastic must have caught him, and a small dot of blood swelled on the pad of his thumb. Mako stepped forward and took the hand. 

Jamie giggled, sounding more nervous than happy. “‘S fine, I was jus’ surprised.” He tugged the hand from Mako and stuck the thumb in his mouth to lick the blood off. 

“‘S really nothing.” He eyed Mako, who hadn’t stepped away. When he seemed to be looking at one thing, Mako noticed, his eyes were really flickering all over. No part of him ever still. His thumb twitched as he pulled it from his mouth and left a single, tiny dot of blood at the corner of his lips.

Mako put a hand on Jamie’s cheek, wiping the blood off with his thumb. It was still there, though, a faint smudge.

“Y’ really did come up here to fool around w’ me, didn’tcha?” Jamie laughed, leaning his head into Mako’s hand. 

Mako exhaled a laugh. “Can I kiss you.”

Jamie shuddered, his eyes tearing around Mako’s face, and nodded. 

“Okay.”

Mako leaned in. Jamie’s mouth had a bite of acid, coffee mixed with his blood hidden back behind his tongue. He wanted to reach for it, somehow. His own throat burned. The blonde was surprisingly gentle, but bit him, hard, when he began to pull away. Someone was coming up the stairs, so Mako pulled away anyway. 

In the achy silence he felt himself breathing heavily. A warm spot bubbled up on his lip where Jamie had bit him, a little blood leaking out. His hand still on Jamie’s cheek, he felt his lips with his thumb again. Jamie’s face was hot. They stared at each other for a moment, unshy, holding on tight. The shuffling feet at the top of the stairs jolted them apart. Jamie laughed at their moment of panic, and then reached out to take Mako’s hand. 

“Le’s get out of here.”

His fingers twitched into Mako’s palm as they descended the stairs, leaving little crescent moons when they unraveled.


	8. So I'll Carry On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, thank you so much for your patience. I honestly wasn't sure I would keep going with this fic after such a long gap due to school and work really pushing me to my limit. this story means a lot for me personally and i decided that continuing it would be helpful for me. hopefully my determination and the end of school soon will mean regular updates once again, from this point on, but if i don't update again til a bit later in december you can blame the semester wrapping up
> 
> i'm so out of practice on writing this story so forgive me as i noticeably get back into shape

Forgetting to hesitate, Mako poured himself into their embrace. He never cried but he could feel the burning thrum at the bottom of his throat that hinted at tears. He’d had no idea he felt so strongly until the moment had rushed up at him, all at once. 

“It’s so good to see you.” He finally said.

Alex pulled back and grinned up at him. Like Jamie, she was tall by most standards but still short next to Mako. “It’s been way too long.”

He felt a little awkwardness washing up in his thoughts so he picked up his friend’s duffel bag and carried it up to his apartment door. “How are you? Was the drive okay?”

Alex nodded. “It wasn’t bad. I hate driving but there wasn’t too much traffic.” She followed him inside and set her backpack on the floor and Mako put her other bag with it. 

“That all you brought?”

“Yeah, I have some clothes at my mom’s I wanted to bring back so I didn’t pack much.”

Mako nodded and sat down. “Are you excited to see her?”

Alex stayed standing, stretching her muscular arms and legs absentmindedly as she thought for a moment. “Yeah, maybe not excited. But I’m glad to be back.”

Mako snorted. “I get that. Well, if things are weird with her you can always stay here the rest of the trip.” 

She laughed and looked up from her stretches. “Thanks. Hopefully it won’t be so bad. Can’t be worse than my roommate in Pullman.”

“How’s it out there? How’s work?”

“It’s good. Things are good. That manager I hated, he got fired.” She did a gesture imitating glasses, referring to a coworker she’d been complaining about since she got the job at a local gym. “Now he’s gone, work’s a lot better. I’m excited to graduate and start really working. I think helping people train is going to be amazing. I’m probably going to shadow one of our personal trainers this summer. I dunno if I want to stay in Pullman but either way, it’s gonna be good I think.”

Mako smiled. Alex was one of few people he didn’t have to remind himself to smile with. “I’m glad things are good. School’s okay?”

“Yeah, I’m getting through it. I’m hoping Mei will be on board to live together when she’s back from Xi’an. I don’t think I could handle living with my roommate another year.” She had just sat down but immediately jumped up again. “I should text her and let her know I got here okay.”

“How is she? Is it hard not seeing her?”

Alex held her phone up to take a picture of Mako and he covered his face before the shutter could go off. She laughed. “I’m sending it anyway.” After typing for a moment she set her phone back down. “Yeah, it’s hard. We text all the time, when we’re both awake. It’s not the same though. Like you and I text a lot, too, but now it still feels like we need to catch up.” 

Mako nodded slowly. Even though he and Alex texted almost every day, it had been too long since they’d spoken in person. He didn’t have many people he spoke to honestly or intimately, especially in face to face conversation. He’d been close to Alex for years but still, after so long he felt awkward. 

They talked a bit more about Mei and her exchange in Xi’an. Half of the pictures on Alex’s phone seemed to be of Mei, and she showed Mako her girlfriend’s selfies with Chinese classmates and tourist spots. 

“And you?” Alex asked. “How are you? How’s things with Jamie?”

He ducked his head a little at the mention and rested his chin on his hand. “I dunno. Good I guess. I mean things are happening. I just don’t feel sure still.”

“Like, still not sure he likes you?”

“Yeah, I mean. I just don’t think he knows me well.” He knew the face Alex would be making when he looked up so he avoided her gaze. He could feel himself already ending the conversation.

“Well,” she said. “Show him the stuff you like. And your sculptures. Maybe he’ll figure out who you are better than you can.” She grabbed her bag and patted Mako on the back a little too hard. “Don’t worry about it too much. I’m going to change, then let’s get dinner.”

Mako wasn’t used to speaking this much and he was already getting exhausted, barely a half hour into Alex’s stay. He loved his friend and was happy to have her over for the night but regret still started to gnaw at him. Caring about people seemed to draw out similar helpings of love and self-hate. It was just hard to hear his own voice. Part of him wanted to talk about Jamie, but he’d mostly told Alex everything already in their text conversations. Do people normally talk through things like this, over and over? He decided he would just hold the thought, let Alex do the talking. His voice was tired for now, anyway.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

After dinner, Mako set his teapot out to boil while Alex changed her clothes again. She emerged in a sweatshirt and boxers, her short, pink hair shoved up and out of her face by a stretchy headband. She flung a second headband at Mako. 

“Put it on, we’ll match.”

Mako snorted but pulled the headband on anyway. His hair was always pulled up into a tight knot or ponytail, but if the hair tie started to come undone, loose hairs would sometimes fall into his face. He probably just needed to buy new hair ties, but he liked the headband, too. 

The kettle finally choked out a slow whistle and Mako didn’t wait for it to pick up into a full scream, plucking it from the stovetop and emptying the water into their two mugs. He carefully carried the cups into the living room. He always filled them too full and struggled to keep their contents inside. A memory of Jamie floated by, whirling through the bar, unaware of the beer splashing from his glass, making his shoes sticky. 

Alex accepted her mug with both hands and held it in her lap. “So, are you nervous for tomorrow?”

Mako inhaled slowly and exhaled, blowing on his tea. “Yeah, honestly. I still can’t believe they’re letting me show my work. I’ve barely showed it to anyone.”

“I don’t think I’ve seen anything you’ve made since high school.” Alex said, sipping her tea. 

“Probably.” Mako tried to sip his tea but it was still scalding hot. Somehow Alex was drinking it without any sign of pain. “I’m sure there won’t be a lot of people at the reception. No one really shows up for those things.”

Alex nodded. “Well, I’m glad I’ll be there either way.” 

They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, Mako trying again to take a drink and finding the temperature tolerable. The herbal tea tasted like ginger and sweet chamomile, with mint at the back of his tongue when he swallowed. Other people didn’t tend to like his tea of choice--he and Alex joked that if they stopped buying it the company would discontinue it.

“I’ve been thinking about what you’ve been saying, about you and Jamie.” Alex broke the silence. “And I’ve kind of said this before, but like. I think you have this idea that there’s a ‘real you,’ and you don’t know who he is but you know he’s bad, he has bad intentions or isn’t worthwhile or something like that. And you’re afraid that Jamie has the wrong idea about you, or that anyone who likes you must just not know you well enough.”

Mako sat completely still, watching the steam from his mug rise and disappear.

Alex paused and then continued her thought, tugging on the string of her teabag as she spoke. “But I think you’re always going to mean different things to different people, and you’re never going to find this one, consistent, real you. I don’t know why you don’t like yourself, but I feel similar about myself, so at the same time I do know why. But…” She trailed off and looked at him, waiting for him to make eye contact. He looked up at her for a moment before looking back down at his drink. 

“I know it feels like you really hate yourself. But I think that when you stay so far away from people and you tell yourself you’re the worst, you’re just protecting yourself from losing something. So I think that feeling like you hate yourself is really showing that you love yourself. Just in a really hard way.” She took a drink of her tea and drummed her fingers against the ceramic cup. “And it might be like, self-preservation, but it’s also gonna keep you from getting close to people and doing hard things that will make you happy or a better person.

“So even if it’s not with Jamie or even dating in general, because I can see why you feel like Jamie is moving a little fast, I do think it’s really good that you’re trying. Like showing your sculptures. I know that’s hard for you but you also want to succeed with your art after graduation. So I’m really glad you’re doing the show.” She exhaled and nodded, apparently agreeing with herself, then laughed a bit. “Anyway, that’s all. Sorry, I just wanted to say that.”

Mako nodded, too, afraid that speaking would keep his brain from soaking in what Alex had said. He wanted to react, internally or externally, but he couldn’t help the TV static that always switched on when emotions rushed in. 

“Thank you so much.” He finally said. He knew his voice was flat, and he hoped Alex knew he would say or feel more if he could. She always seemed to know how he was feeling better than he did anyway.

Alex stood up and stretched. “No problem.” She started toward the kitchen. “Well, we’d better go to bed soon if we want to wake up early and be anxious about your show all day.”

Mako laughed, feeling a little warmth creeping back. “Then let’s stay up a while. Is Mei awake?”

Alex chuckled from the kitchen. “Yeah, let’s see if she’s home. You wanna skype her?” She was already opening her laptop. 

Mako leaned back, adjusting his headband. He was worn out but felt comfortable in the tiredness, like when his hands and back ached after working in his studio too long. He listened to the dial tone as he waited to speak to another friend he hadn’t seen for years, anxious and whole, Alex’s arm around his neck. No real reason to worry and not many wrong things to say. He imagined himself feeling like this tomorrow, Jamie next to him, years’ worth of work on display. 

_Jamie: u all ready for tomorrow ???_  
_Mako: Yeah_

Alex nudged him, and Mei’s image appeared on screen, her movement glitching for a moment but then clarifying, and she was waving. 

“Hey Mako!! Wow, it’s so good to see you!” 

_Mako: I’m excited to see you_


	9. Give Out to Give In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY

“You got it? Okay, lift.”

Mako raised himself up, he and Alex maintaining awkward holds on the metal frame of his sculpture. The vaguely organic form of the piece--like a dog on its hind legs, too tall--was intercut with flat, intersecting planes. It was tough to handle with the long, heavy pieces of metal extending from the sides.

“Can you just bring that one over here, to this corner?” The gallery director was nervously watching them haul the piece from the dolly to its floor space. 

They gently set the sculpture down and exhaled. The director also sighed with relief.

“Great. Thank you so much. I’m so sorry your friend had to lend us a hand. I certainly underestimated how heavy some of these pieces were.” She stepped back and looked at the sculpture they had just placed, getting a feel for how it flowed with the other pieces in the room. “This is shaping up really nicely, though. Really fine work you have here.”

Mako adjusted the angle of the statue slightly. “Thanks.”

Alex stretched her shoulders. “I’m gonna go grab us some waters. What time is it?”

The director checked her watch. “About 6:15. There should be water and cups ready at the refreshment table, so help yourself. If things look good out here, I’m going to step out and check on a few things before the event starts.” 

Mako nodded.

She addressed Alex again. “Really, thank you so much for your help. I’ll see you two soon.”

Alex laughed. “It’s really no problem. Glad I could help.”

The directed nodded to them both and, after a final glance around the floor, made her temporary exit.

Mako immediately sat on the ground in the corner, wiping the sweat off his upper lip. Alex headed toward the exit. “I’m gonna go find that water. Be right back.”

As the door swung shut behind her, Mako was immediately struck by impulses, mostly absurd. He thought about kicking over the statue next to him, or tossing a few out the window. He also thought about just leaving. He knew he wouldn’t do it, but he let the fantasy stew for a moment, tempting him with the comfort of walking in his front door and locking the door behind him. And doing… Nothing.

He hated feeling nervous, not able to control the physical reaction. His already jumpy heartbeat accelerated from moving his own sculptures, creating a feedback loop of anxiety and physical strain that convinced his body he could face death at any turn. It shut him up, more than usual. As he indulged in thoughts of running away, his body slowed and stilled. The clamshell closed around him. Mako, the person, slept again--now a human boulder, an immovable, incredible waste of time. 

Alex slipped back inside, opening the door with her hip, carrying drinks. Aside from the waters, tucked under her arm were a couple of beer bottles.

“This is so nice! They have actual drinks out there, and it looks like they’re gonna have some snacks.” She set a water and a beer next to him. “Are you good?”

Mako took a long drink of water and nodded.

“When is Jamie supposed to get here? Is he just stopping by?”

“Not sure. Probably later.”

“I wanna meet him.” She reached for a beer. “Ah, shit. I don’t have a bottle opener. That’s what I get for stealing them while they were setting up.”

Mako silently took her bottle and stood up. He hooked the cap onto the edge of one the flat, extended planes of the adjacent sculpture and slammed his other hand on top. The bottle cap, warped, clattered to the ground. Alex stared at him. When she realized the art was fine, or at least wasn’t about to fall apart, her shoulders shook and she rumbled with laughter. 

“Jesus christ, man.” She reached out and took the beer. Mako gestured to the other bottle and she handed it to him. He repeated the same with this bottle. Any scratches he left in the metal blended in with the unclean edge of the sculpture. He didn’t care either way. He sat down and reached out to pick up one of the bottle caps on the floor. His was bent square, doubled over itself, maybe laughing or maybe like a set of teeth. He pressed it into his hand, wanting to feel the crimped edge press into the callouses on his palms and fingertips. He held it too hard and it just folded into itself, becoming a seashell in his fist.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

They were waiting for 7:00 to come around, the officially printed time for the small gala to start. But as that minute rolled by and passed them, slipping through 7:01 and 7:02 Mako was relieved to find that there was no line at the door and no one was coming. Jamie would probably be there soon, maybe bringing a few friends, but most people had something better to do on a Friday evening. 

A few faculty members from the art department stopped by, as well as the art gallery’s staff. Some of them stopped to chat with Mako about his work, congratulating him, but many of them just chatted amongst themselves as they prowled the hall. There were some people he didn’t recognize, maybe students, but most didn’t stay long. Mako stood with Alex by a window, occasionally glancing outside. They sipped their second beers and watched the interplay of the tall, tall sculptures, uncanny forms stopped in time, and the milling guests. Some left a wide berth, maybe for fear of the looming frames or just for fear of breaking something. 

A little after 7:30 the director approached him with an envelope in her hands. “Would you mind taking a few pictures accepting this certificate? I thought we could take a couple over there, in the front.”

Mako nodded and handed his drink to Alex, following the director to the front of the gallery. He had been dreading this since she had mentioned it earlier in the day. By this time, at least, there were only a few gallery staff members lingering in the room. One of them approached with a camera and positioned herself in front of them, directing them a little to the right to better frame the sculptures in the background. The director pulled a small certificate from the envelope and held it up between herself and Mako. Time to smile.

Well, he tried. Hopefully they won’t tag him in it.

Alex gave him a sympathetic smile and passed his beer back to him. A question seemed to be on her lips, but before she spoke, Jamie walked in. 

“Heee-y, sorry I’m late. Uh, I walked. Wowee, who’s this?” He stared at Alex. “Christ mate, you two in a gang or something? Feels like I’m gonna get beat up.” He laughed and stepped back a little. It was a joke, but he kept bouncing on his heels nervously. 

Alex laughed, though, and held out her hand. “I’m Alex. I know Mako from high school. Are you Jamie?”

Jamie shook her hand enthusiastically and nodded, his eyes flitting from Alex to Mako and back again. “Tha’s right. Haha, how did you know?” He never waited for answers, already staring around the room, mesmerized. “Wow, so this is it, huh? Hooly dooly, man. This is, uh, really something innit.” 

Four large--really large--sculptures were displayed on the floor of the modestly-sized gallery. Along the wall a few smaller pieces were set on display tables, and another two intermediately-sized, free-standing sculptures stood by the window. The light walls and flooring of the gallery contrasted with the dark, unfinished metal he worked with. In his studio, the pieces looked like figures emerging from the concrete floor. Here, they were more like shadows of unseen things clinging to the fixtures and ceiling, made massive in a trick of the light. If he reached down, Mako might feel pride, amongst other things.

Jamie came unglued, a little bit, already starting to wander away toward the art. He whipped his head back to them, just to say, “I’m gonna look around!” Mako gave him a thumbs up.

Alex looked back at Mako, trying to read his expression. “Well, what do you think?” She finally asked.

“About what.”

“Is this going like you hoped?”

Mako looked around. He watched the staff empty the water from the bucket of drinks and replace the melted ice. Someone was getting another cup of wine, and someone was leaving. A couple people were lingering, talking.

He watched Jamie flit around the room, squinting and staring at three years’ worth of his best work. Jamie got up close, blinked into the jagged crevices. You could practically hear his toes curling, fingers tapping and scratching: body language like TV static. 

Mako nodded to Alex. She nodded back.

“Maybe.” She took Mako’s certificate and looked over it. “Well, you did a great job. I’m glad everyone gets to see your hard work.” 

Mako smiled a little. “Thanks.” They stood together and watched more, as the few remaining guests ducked their heads and smiled at Mako, silently waving goodbye as they left to continue their evenings elsewhere. Soon the food staff was packing away the remaining drinks for their next event. Jamie wandered back over. 

“Wow. This is really something else, huh. Was it pretty busy? Before I got here? A lot of uh, arty folks? Any of your other friends make it?”

“Just you and Alex.”

Jamie bobbed his head. “Okay, okay, got it. Are you both from around here? Family couldn’t come out?” 

“I didn’t invite them.” He didn’t know why Jamie was bringing this up. He seemed to just be nervously chattering, like always. They had never even talked about his family before, not really.

Jamie seemed to realize this at the same time, and laughed a little. “Sorry, nevermind. What am I talking about? Jesus, uh.” 

Alex motioned to her phone and ducked away. “Mei is calling.” She quietly exited the gallery. 

Jamie stared as she went and then glanced around. “So this is uh, really great though. Sorry I was so late. It’s my fault. Really, though, thanks for inviting me.”

Something in Mako was shifting. He couldn’t make sense of Jamie’s rapid patterns of movement, but he could see the gradual slowing of all of it. And what had felt like chaotic magnetism was looking more like repulsion now, in the way he was looking around and standing still with his feet pointed toward the exit. 

“You gonna go?” Mako finally said.

Jamie’s eyes snapped back to him, alarmed. “Uh, maybe. Sorry, I just got here.”

They just stared at each other for a second. Lost in orbit. Jamie looked away. “What?”

Mako shook his head, not knowing what to say or how he felt. He tried to clock the feelings first--he guessed he felt hurt or disappointed. Not because of something that had happened, but maybe because of what hadn’t. 

“Whats… up.” He said, finally.

Jamie laughed, trying to fill the space with empty noise. “I’m not--Nothing is up! What do you mean?” 

They were both bristling at the confrontation, Mako not knowing how to steer this ship and Jamie dying to escape it. 

“You’re being weird.”

Jamie spluttered and looked around, but the room was empty. “I know I’m being weird. I don’t like it! Look, this whole thing--I keep messing everything up. I just say whatever comes in my head. I keep making it weird. And all this--” He gestured around the gallery wildly. “I don’t know! I don’t get it! I don’t know why I thought I would. But it freaks me out. I don’t get it.”

Mako looked back, at the sculptures looming behind them. Were they that scary?

“No, it’s not--they’re not freaking me out. You’re not freaking me out. I’m freaking me out.” Jamie threw a hand up, the other scratching at his head, then scratching again at his arm. “Fucking… seriously, you’re just so much better. Than me. And from day one, I’ve been the worst.” He knitted his brow. “God, I wanted to see your art so bad and I wanted to see you. But now that I’m here, I just feel stupid and I can’t figure out why. And you’re treating me like a stranger.”

“You’re acting like one.” Mako spoke without even thinking.

Jamie seemed to burn up in front of him, angry and upset without words. “No, I tell you everything. Why is this so fucking hard? Sometimes I get home and wonder what the fuck we were even talking about. And I’m still talking over you.” 

“I’m not even talking.”

Jamie jabbed a finger at him. “Maybe that’s the problem. God, this whole thing--”

Mako cut him off. His heart had dropped too low to feel this last blow at all. “You say things I would never say.”

Jamie stared fiercely at him. “That’s the problem. I just fucking say everything.”

“I would just walk away.” Mako continued.

“Thats... “ Jamie pressed his hands into his forehead. “God, just fuck off then.”

“No. That’s the problem.”

He was so exasperated he was close to tears. “What? God, we have a lot of problems.”

Mako shrugged.

“Jesus. Why am I fighting with you? Fuck, I just thought everything would be perfect after tonight. I thought I would get it. But we’re still just right here.”

“There’s nothing to get.” Mako said. “I mean. I don’t get it either.”

Jamie nodded, exhausted. “Maybe we got stuck. But I like them. Your sculptures. Kind of scary.” He stared away at one next to them.

“You can touch it. I don’t care.”

He could tell he had wanted to. Jamie ran his hand along the edge of a rectangular plane, jutting through some abstract, metal body, a head like a rabbit’s. The edges were covered in small bumps and creases. Jamie’s fingers were long and his hands were dirty and there was dark, dried blood under his fingernails. 

“Are you proud of them?”

Mako felt the edges too. “Yeah.”

Jamie reached up to touch the face of the beast, far as he could reach. He looked like he might try to climb on top, for a minute. “Me too.”

“You tired?”

Jamie rested his head on the metal. “Yeah.”

“Me too.”

Jamie hesitated, wiping his hands on his pants. “Do you want to go?”

He nodded. “Okay.”

Jamie’s hand slipped around his arm as they walked out. He barely held on, just grazed him. Alex was outside, waiting for them. Mako couldn’t explain the conversation, especially not when he recounted it in fragments to Alex later. But somehow he didn’t feel as scared anymore, and not in the dull way. Maybe he would feel scared again soon, but for now he stood a little closer to Jamie. He wanted him to meet Alex and see the things and people that made him happy, not just the hulking sculptures he made in his studio, as if seeing one without the other could ever make sense. Standing there with Alex again, he and Jamie woke up a little more, and Jamie chattered on and on. Alex grinned at Mako, and it wasn’t ever easy for him, but he smiled too. 

The three braced themselves for the cold as they exited the building. None of them wore coats, and they ran out into the dark to find a warmer, smaller place to shake off the freezing night.


End file.
